Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
