Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Watching her eat just hurts me
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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