i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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