He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
