how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
