Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
