so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
