I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
