I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
