Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
