Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
