In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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