This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
as a side note pls kill me
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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