Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
