Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
