Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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