He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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