you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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