Where is the hickey?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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