I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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