My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
