I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
