God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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