if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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