I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
