i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
