420 ftw
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
