My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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