No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize