he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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