you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
