I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
