I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
