she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
