woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
