WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
