he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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