oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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