Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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