Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
