My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
