Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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