I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
