I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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