the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
