you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
