I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
