I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I currently don't understand fingers.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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