I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
