I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
