The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
