Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
