I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Randomize