Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
