Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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