If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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