I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I can text with my tongue
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
