Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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